I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
