I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
