i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
