I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
vagina is talking i cant
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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