You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
