i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
