thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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