I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
