So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
