But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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