apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
