News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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