Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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