1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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