1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
