Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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