...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
