I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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