He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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