First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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