I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize