Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
