yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize