you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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