just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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