Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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