I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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