So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
