i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
