my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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