farters have to be the big spoon...
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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