I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
