so that wasnt chicken after all
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
