Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
