drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
