Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
