You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
