Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
