i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Randomize
