life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
