if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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