Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
