Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
These tits shall not be calmed
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
