I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize