i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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