there's paper in my vomit.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
