those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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