they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
