There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
