My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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