My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
