He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
He passed out mid-signature
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
