I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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