my phone needs a breathalizer
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Randomize
