I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
