i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize