wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
