dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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