i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
