I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize