We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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