these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize